CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Of course you
must agree to see him,” Pip insisted, “He’s your father.”
“True. But you don’t know the half of it,” Nina retorted, “He treated my
mother like shit. As for us kids…well, let’s just say there’s about as much
chance of my dad developing paternal feelings all of a sudden as a pig has of
spreading wings. Considerably less, come to think of it,” she added bitterly.
“All the same…”
“All the same, what, Pip…? I give him a second chance, risk putting
myself through all that again? Why should I?
When I was little, I’d have given the earth just for him to pick me up
and give me a cuddle. Well, I’m a big girl now. I don’t need him. Besides,” she
added with a weak smile, I have Max to give me cuddles.”
“You didn’t waste much time…”Pip began then seemed to think better of it,
blushed and turned away.
“You don’t mind about Max and me do you?” Nina was genuinely surprised
and not a little upset. “I thought you liked Max.”
“He’s okay,” Pip shrugged.
“But he’s not your dad, is that it?” asked Nina quietly, and then after a
long and very uncomfortable pause, “I still love your father, Pip. But what am
I supposed to do, never look at another man until Nathan comes out of prison?
Oh, and then what? He won’t see me now so why should he want to see me when
he’s a free man again?”
“You can’t just give up on him, it’s…horrible.”
“Why can’t I? He’s given up on me. He won’t see me. He doesn’t answer my
letters. You said yourself he never asks after me when you visit. It’s as if I
don’t exist as far as he’s concerned. I still love him, Pip, I really do. But I
can’t live in my imagination, for crying out loud. Max is real. He cares about
me, and I care about him.”
“But you don’t love him, you couldn’t love a creep like that, no woman
could unless she was desperate.”
“If I’m desperate, that’s down to your father,” said Nina dryly. “As for
love, you’re right. I don’t love Max any more than he loves me. But we’re good
for each other, and that’s a damn sight better than being lonely.”
“You, lonely…? You must be joking. You could have any man you wanted.”
“But I don’t want any man, I want your father. and since I can’t have him
I’ll settle for someone who’s kind, caring, and makes me laugh.”
“He’s a creep,” Pip repeated hotly, “He’s just using you to make sure
he’s seen in all the right places, meeting the right people, up for whatever’s
on offer that just might help him get whatever pie in the sky he’s stupid
enough to think he actually deserves.”
“I had no idea you felt like this,” Nina was genuinely shocked, “or I
would never have asked him to move in with us?”
“So you do remember asking him? Or did it just happen, like he invited
himself and you found yourself going along with it if only for a good shag.”
“Pip…!” Nina was angry now. “What I do or don’t do, feel or don’t feel as
far as Max is concerned, is none of your damn business!”
“You’re right. I’m just a houseguest, after all. Not even that really am
I? I’m only here to salve your conscience, not to mention keeping this place
half decent because you’re such an untidy cow even the bloody cleaner can’t
keep up with your mess.”
“How dare you speak to me like that?” Without thinking, Nina dealt the
girl a hefty slap across the cheek and was instantly contrite. “I’m sorry, Pip,
I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. It’s just that I had no idea
you felt this way. I thought you were happy here.”
“Happy?” Pip was incredulous as she put a hand to the reddening cheek,
“Oh, but you’re so right about one thing, Nina. You’ve no idea, not a bloody
clue. How can I be happy here, with you of all people? You’re the reason my dad
is in jail?”
“You can’t blame me for what Nathan did,” Nina protested tearfully. “I
thought you understood that? Let every
Tom, Dick and Mary Anne think what he or she likes, see if I care. But, please
Pip, not you too?”
“Spare me the waterworks, Nina, this is me you’re talking to,” Pip
scoffed, “Like father, like daughter, I wouldn’t be surprised. As for his
treating your mother like shit…well, if the cap fits.”
Pip saw at once that she’d gone too far and bit her lip. She could ill
afford to fall out with Nina. Where else would she go? Oh, they had argued
before, lots of times, about all sorts of things, mostly trivial. But this was
different. This was tantamount to open warfare. Common sense warned her to
mumble an apology and beat a hasty retreat. It had always done the trick in the
past. Nina would make allowances and both would pretend no row had taken place
the next time they met. On this occasion, however, she was in no mood to make
an apology that, inevitably, would stick in her craw for weeks, months. Why should I always be the one to back down
in the absence of any obvious alternative?
“How dare you talk about my mother like that? She was a wonderful,
wonderful woman and …I miss her so much!” Nina burst into tears.
Pip watched, unmoved, “All the more reason for you to make up with your
dad, surely?”
“He never cared about Mum or me. The only person my dad had ever cared
about is himself.”
“Maybe you have a point then, about Max I mean. Who needs to let someone
like that back in their life when they already have Max?”
“Why are you being so horrible? You know Max thinks the world of you,”
Nina sobbed, too distraught even to stay angry. The look on Pip’s face
frightened her. She saw more than hostility there, more than contempt. The
girl’s expression was nothing short of malicious.
“I wouldn’t go that far although he does think I’m pretty good in bed. He
told me so only last week while you were away.”
Nina stared, wide-eyed. “You and Max…?”
“You bet, all the time. Well, a lot of the time. It’s like you were
saying. People get lonely and who wants to live in their imagination? You can
understand that, surely?”
“You bitch!” An eruption of rage and hurt flared in Nina and she would
have hit Pip again but this time her tormentor was prepared and neatly,
laughingly, sidestepped the blow.
“Don’t worry, it’s only sex. Max doesn’t care for me any more than he
cares for you. He’s a user. We both know that, so I don’t know why you’re
getting your knickers in such a twist.”
“It’s not Max, it’s you!” Nina shouted, “You betrayed me, after
everything I’ve done for you. I even give you an allowance, for heaven’s sake!”
“Conscience money,” Pip taunted, “As for betrayal, you’d know all about
that wouldn’t you? You betrayed my
father with another man yet still have the brass gall to wear his ring!” Her glance flew to a glittering diamond in
its exquisite setting of tiny gold petals on the third finger of Nina’s left
hand.
“Ray Bannister and I were only ever good friends,. That’s all there was
to it. We were good mates. I never betrayed your father with anyone. I wouldn’t
have, ever. I love him.”
“I meant
Max.” Pip burst out laughing. “Poor Ray was too honest to betray anyone. Well,
as honest as our Max would let him be.”
“And just what do you mean by that?” Nina snapped, suddenly uneasy. “Ray
was a good man. I won’t hear a word said against him. He was my friend just as
he was Max’s friend. Max is no angel, no Ray, I grant you that. But we both
cared about Ray. Maybe that’s what we see in each other, something of Ray…” she
mused aloud as if the thought had struck her for the first time.
“How sweet, the pair of you seeing something of dear old Ray in each
other!” Pip mocked, “Would that be in bed or out?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come off it, Nina, surely you knew Ray was gay?”
Nina hesitated before admitting, “I did wonder, but we never talked about
it. Ray was a very private man in many ways. But what has that got to do
with…?” Her voice dropped to a throaty whisper then exploded, “What the hell
are you insinuating?” she yelled.
“Clever girl, you got it in one!” Pip yelled back.
“You’re mad.”
“Am I? Ask Max then. Go ahead, ask Max about his boyfriend, and then ask
him whose face he sees every time he fucks you. Because I don’t care, you see.
If Max wants to imagine I’m Ray whenever we have sex, I don’t give a damn so
long as it’s good sex. And you don’t need me to tell you how good it is with
Max. But it would be different for you. I can see that. Because you can’t bear
not to be the centre of attention, can you?
So, go on Nina, ask him. I dare you.”
The two women glared at each other across the room. The colour had
drained from Nina’s face. Wordlessly, she turned and walked to the window.
Pip felt alternately disappointed and concerned. She was in the mood for
a catfight, would have relished one, claws bared. At the same time, she had no
wish to leave the apartment. She had her own lovely room and relatively easy
access to school, plus Max was giving her driving lessons. Moreover, she got to
meet such celebrities that left her school friends green with envy. Besides,
she was loath to admit, it was a home of sorts. Intuitively, she left the room.
Nina continued to gaze into the garden, seeing nothing beyond her own
distorted reflection in the tall French windows. Pip and Max, can it be true?
She was inclined to dismiss it as nothing more than a teenage fantasy spilling
over into a typical teenage tantrum. But
Ray and Max…why would Pip have dreamed that one up? It was a lie, of course…wasn’t it?
She had always known Ray was gay, of course, and he’d realized she knew.
But what she’d told Pip was almost true in so far as they had never talked
about it. Not for years, anyway. Why
should they? It was none of her business and hadn’t intruded on their
friendship in the slightest. Only once had Ray raised the subject shortly
before he died. There had been no awkwardness; they had grown too close for
that. Even drinking large brandies, though, hadn’t prepared her for his
suddenly breaking down in floods of tears and telling her he was HIV positive.
Nina shivered, in spite of the warm, clammy air. Most of the time, she
and Max were careful but there had been occasions when he hadn’t used a condom.
While refusing to believe there could have been anything but friendship
between Ray Bannister and Max Cutler, Nina accepted, too, that she needed to
know for sure. There was only one thing for it; she would have to ask Max.
She’d make a joke of it. Yes, that’s what
I’ll do/ I’ll make a joke of it. He’d be angry at first, and every right to
be. Even so, he’ll understand why I have
to ask, surely? He wouldn’t stay angry with her for long, he never did. On
the contrary, he’d soon be rubbishing the very idea with that infectious laugh
and roguish grin of his before either of them knew it. But he’d deny it. Oh, yes, he’ll deny it. And I’ll just have
to believe him…won’t I?
A noise behind her caused her to swing round. Supposing Pip had re-entered the room, Nina
had already braced herself for further confrontation. But when a haze over her
eyes lifted, it was Max standing there, smiling, arms outstretched. His face
dropped when she made no attempt to run to him but remained where she stood,
undecided and more than a little scared.
He came towards her, his expression plainly running the gamut of
confusion, concern, anxiety and genuine affection. “Okay, what have I done now,
forgotten your birthday or something?” He laughed, but the intensity of his
expression belied a jocular tone.
Nina shook her head, furious with herself for being unable to speak.
Basic instinct warned her that this was neither the time nor the place yet…I have a right to know, don’t I? “I’ve
just had a blazing row with Pip,” she finally managed to say.
“Congratulations,” Max chuckled, “It’s high time that young lady was put
down a peg or two.” He took another step towards her but a single gesture
warned him to keep his distance.
“The row was about you.” Max looked surprised at first and then ill at
ease, shifty even? Let it be my
imagination. “She claims you and she have slept together.”
Max roared with laughter. “She wishes! You must have noticed she has a massive
crush on me? Come on, Nina, you don’t
believe the little witch?” He stopped laughing. “You, don’t do you? But you
can’t. The whole thing is preposterous. She’s just a kid, for heaven’s sake.”
“She’s nearly eighteen, hardly a kid any more.”
“Not up to seducing the likes of yours truly though. No way. For that matter, can you imagine that
dull, broomstick of a girl working her magic on any man? On some pimply youth dying to lose his
virginity, maybe, and I bet even he’ll be left wondering what all the fuss was about,
the poor kid.”
“She’s pretty enough,” Nina observed testily.
“So is my auntie Jen’s poodle but I wouldn’t want to go to bed with it,”
he chuckled and was pleased to see her smile. Damn Pip, what had she been
saying? “That’s better. You know, you’re bloody amazing when you smile.
What on earth do you see in a wretch like me?”
“You tell me,” she said quietly, longing to fall into his arms, let him
kiss her neck the way she loved, his tongue tickling her flesh until, finally,
sliding between her lips, his mouth pressing roughly on hers, reassuring her
that, for all their shortcomings, they really were good together.
“I
swear to you, my darling, it’s pure fantasy on Pip’s part. But we mustn’t hold
it against her. I had my fair share of wishful thinking when I was a kid…still
do if it comes to that. Don’t you?”
Nina shrugged, eluded his grasp and moved away, half inclined not to ask
the question dragging on her every nerve ending. She turned and faced him
squarely. “And what about Ray Bannister, did you ever sleep with him?”
Max barely hesitated, his stomach turning somersaults. Damn Pip
Sparrow, damn her. “What kind of a question is that? For heaven’s sake, woman, are you mad or what?
Do I look like a pouf, for crying out loud? How many times have we made love, Nina?
How many times, eh? And have I ever disappointed you? I’d hardly be up to the
mark if I were a bloody pouf, would I?”
“So are you bisexual?” She could hardly believe her own ears any more
than he. “Some men…”
“To hell with ‘some men’, this is me, Max, we’re talking about!” yelled
Max. “Are you going to take some silly chit of a girl’s word against mine?
She’s trying to poison you against me. Surely you can see that? Don’t give her the satisfaction, Nina. She’s
lying. You have to believe me.”
“Deny it then, and I’ll believe you. Deny you and Ray weren’t…whatever
the word is, I suppose there is one.”
“Lovers, the word is ‘lovers. You want to deny we were lovers? Because
that’s the word you want, Nina, l-o-v-e-r-s, just like you and me.”
“Is that what you think, there’s no difference? In that case,” she fumed,
“it doesn’t bloody matter whether you were having it off with Ray or not. It
may be all the same to you, Max, but I can assure you it makes one hell of a
difference to me.” Her eyes blazing with
hurt and anger, she could hear her voice rising, shrilly, like a common
fishwife. “Get out! Pack your bags and
GET OUT.” She went to the door but he intercepted and blocked her exit.
“Is that it? You get to play judge and jury before I’ve even put in a
plea? I haven’t admitted to anything.
It’s all in your head, yours and that stupid, stupid, minx, Pip’s.”
“Why should she lie to me?”
“Because she hates you, you daft cow, that’s why. The way she sees it,
you’re responsible for putting her old man behind bars. She’s not living here
with you because she wants to, she just doesn’t have the imagination to be any
place else.”
“That’s ridiculous! Pip and I are close. We may have our differences from
time to time, but….”
“Differences…? You’re polar ice
caps apart, for pity’s sake. All you have in common is Nathan and he’s only an
excuse for the pair of you to pretend everything’s hunky dory when all the time
each of you is wishing the other dead.”
“I love Pip.”
“You’re no more capable of loving anyone than…”
“You
are?” she said quietly. “I thought I knew you, Max. I thought you knew me. I
thought we understood each other and that’s why we were so good together. But I
don’t know you at all. I don’t think I even like you.”
“Pouf or no pouf, would that be?” His teasing had a cutting edge to it
now, his smile a malicious curl of the lower lip.
“Get out of my way!” she screamed.
“Okay, you win.” He put his hands up in mock surrender and moved aside,
his expression one of open contempt. “Ray and I were lovers. And I mean lovers,
darling, as in making love, not the farce you and I go through every time we
have sex. You’re right about one thing though,” he added quietly, “We are good
together, you and me. I daresay we deserve each other.”
“You bastard....” She had dropped her voice again to a low, malignant
hiss. “I hate you. Get your things and go, just GO.”
“Okay, I’ll go. But you’re not playing fair, Nina, and you know it. Just
remember, what goes around comes around. One day you’ll know how it feels to be
treated like you’re treating me now. One day, damn you, it will be your turn.
Are you listening to me? Because you can
bet you’re sweet life it will be your turn next and we’ll see how you like
being taken for a ride.” He paused. “Not that I haven’t enjoyed the ride,” he
added with a malicious grin.
Nina had no answer but flung open the door and rushed upstairs to the
spare room, somehow remembering to turn the key in the lock before throwing
herself on the bed in a fit of rage and self-pity. It did not last long,
however. Fear quickly overtook both. Could she be HIV positive? It was
possible…unlikely, yes, but possible. “Jesus,”
she moaned into an unsympathetic pillow, “what a mess!”
The phone rang. She grabbed the bedroom extension, suddenly desperate to
hear a friendly voice, any voice. “No daddy, I won’t hang up this time,” she
said, composing herself with professional expertise, “Yes, daddy darling, I
promise. Where the hell are you anyway…?”
Panic put aside for now, she might have been acting a new part.
